Many who know me may not see my hidden struggle with anxiety, which I mask behind a confident demeanor. Those who witness me handling challenges might be surprised to know I often feel like I’m barely holding it all together.
Hell ja’, The phrase “get it together” reflects my motto. In pre-90s Africa, acknowledging anxiety as a “thing” simply wasn’t part of our reality; people simply pushed through challenges without reflecting much on emotions. Many from that era can relate. Today, however, anxiety is openly discussed and acknowledged as a significant issue.
The Triggers
I have frequently felt overwhelmed by the cacophony and the sheer number of people in a room, as if the world is closing in on me, leaving me with no way out. In confrontational situations, my instinct is to freeze or, even worse, to avoid them completely. The security checks at the airport amplify my anxiety. And let’s not even discuss the pressure of being in the spotlight; the mere thought of everyone’s gaze on me makes my heart race. However, here’s the reality: I’ve spent much of my life trying to push through these emotions, masking them with a veneer of control and confidence. I suppose, since anxiety was never openly discussed, I grew up believing it was a common feeling shared by others too. Yet, the more I tried to suppress my emotions, the more I realized that avoidance was not the solution; it only heightened my anxiety.
The Plane Incident
One of the most surreal experiences I’ve had with anxiety occurred while I was on a plane. Nearly two decades ago, I found myself on a KLM Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Hamburg. Imagine this: I’m minding my business in the middle seat, when suddenly, out of the blue, the flight attendants break into a rendition of “Happy Birthday”—and it’s directed at me. Not at another passenger, but at me. You know that classic movie moment when the main character scans the room, confused about who the attention is on, only to discover that everyone is looking at them? Yep, that was me. Trapped and wedged between strangers, as all the passengers joined in the chorus, their eyes fixed on me. My body goes rigid, my face blushing ( do not mind my rich melanin) and all I wanted was to vanish from sight.
But here’s the kicker: I did not lose my cool. I stayed there, awkwardly smiling, murmuring thankyous while at the sametime hoping to disappear into the seat. I do not think anyone realised I was nervous. And yes I even raised my gifted very good bubbly glass to everyone. I did exactly what anytime expected me to do because I have trained myself to do exactly that. Hold it together and act like all is ok.
The Friendship Factor
In this journey, my best friend Schi has been a constant. Schi is one of the most confident people I know. She walks into a room and effortlessly owns it. She’s the one who’s always been unshaken, while I’m the one battling the noise in my head. Although Schi doesn’t always fully understand what I go through, she’s been there for me in ways that matter. When I’m spiraling, she’s the one I lean on. But sometimes, her patience wears thin too. There are moments when she gets very frustrated, This happens when I cannot snap out of my episode fast enough. When she tells me to “get it together” and it does not work. She gets frustrated when I get helpless and dysfunctional. Her frustration comes from not knowing how to help. It’s not that she doesn’t care—it’s just that she’s overwhelmed, too. She is not trained to deal with my situation, and she doesn’t always have the words. However Schi has been there, by my side through every step of this “anxiety” journey.
What’s been a saving grace for me, though, is that even though I fear crowds and sometimes struggle to connect in social situations, I’ve never felt completely isolated. I’ve been lucky to have a circle of really good people around me. I refer to them as my She-heros who have been with me and for me. And that’s something I don’t take for granted because I know not everyone has that kind of support.
Facing the Fear
Over time, I realized that avoiding my anxiety was only making it worse. So, I made the choice to start facing my fears. It’s not easy—sometimes it feels like I’m pushing myself to the limit. When anxiety hits, I try to take a deep breath and remind myself: this feeling is temporary. With every situation I confront, I feel a little more empowered. One thing that’s helped me is focusing on small wins. Instead of trying to completely eliminate the anxiety, I remind myself: “All you have to do is show up and do your best.” The goal isn’t to get rid of anxiety—it’s to learn to manage it.
In retrospect.
Schi frequently advised or yelled at me to maintain my composure, which ultimately made me develop a thick skin. As I mentioned, I have spent several decades building my confidence and learning to “keep it together.” I have learnt how to outwardly look fine. However, upon reflection, I sometimes question whether I overlooked the need for compassion toward others facing similar struggles; expecting them to simply “toughen up” and handle Anxiety triggers as I did.
Each person’s journey to cope with their challenges is unique, and we all have distinct approaches to life. Now, I am more attuned and empathetic toward my surroundings and the people in them.
I’ve come to understand the significance of being gentle with myself, seeking a healthy balance between the coping mechanisms I developed in childhood and the awareness that anxiety might be a constant companion throughout my life.
Embracing the Discomfort
Anxiety doesn’t just disappear because you want it to. It’s complicated, and it doesn’t follow a clear path to resolution. I’m not there yet, but I’m learning. And by sharing this with you, I hope to remind you that you’re not alone in your struggles, either. We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to keep showing up, even when it’s hard. I remind myself that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, and that the discomfort doesn’t last forever.